It's disappointing, but the jury has spoken.

Every couple of months something happens and I can't seem to tear myself away from the news. I don't know why because I know it could all be lies and whatever they show the audience is only for their benefit, or to prove a point they are trying to make. But nonetheless, here I am watching the news and reading the news hoping something about last Saturday's verdict will change. I just feel baffled.

Sean doesn't understand why I get invested in news stories about people who I don't know, will never know and who live states (and sometimes countries) away from us. But I always feel like I need to know what happened; what the outcome was and why. After all, one day it could happen closer to home; the person involved or killed could be my family member, my friend, my somebody -- and I would want the whole world to care. So, I care. I invest my time and my emotions and my thoughts. 

Now, I really believe in the government. I really believe in the legal system. I'm excited when I'm summoned for jury duty. I pay taxes immediately, I exercise my right to vote, I don't text and drive. The government says something, and I do it. I don't ask questions. I believe the government makes decisions based on the best interests of its people, and because of this the people should follow the rules, contribute, participate and be thankful. 

So, what do you do when you strongly disagree with something the legal system has decided? 

Well, people can take to the internet, to tweet, to status update, to blog, to sign petitions. People can take to the streets to rally or to riot. People can stop major public events for a moment of silence and they can question what went wrong or (unfortunately, in my opinion) rejoice in what went right.

Everyone thinks they are right. But whether you think the trial was too focused, or not focused enough, on race, gun control, certain state laws, character witness, etc. -- you can't argue that a teenager was murdered. And while, some may say that it was "justified" by self-defense -- I disagree. Why do we live in a world that classifies someone as suspicious just because you don't know them? It's wrong.

Sadly, this isn't the only case like it. There are tons and tons and tons. Tons of people killing other people, daily -- with guns -- because they look "suspicious" or because they "talked back" or because they are "mentally unstable". That's just not reasonable. It's not okay. I simply cannot stand behind a verdict that believes this treatment of people children, who are murdered, is honest and fair. I don't comprehend that the laws, can and do, defend the actions of their killers.

I waited almost a week to write anything down in hopes that the verdict would change. It didn't. I didn't take to Facebook, or Twitter, or any other rapid and immediate social media outlet where people can be rude and judgmental or attempt to crack a joke. I didn't riot or rally -- and maybe that's all wrong. Instead, I had quiet conversations with friends and family members about my thoughts and that's it. I reflected on it. I read about it. And I listened to what people said regarding it. But above all, I was reminded, yet again, that this is always true:

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Tonight's National Anthem.

Here's a video from tonight's Bruins game at the Garden.

After seeing it, and then re-watching it multiple times,
I'm having a hard time thinking of something to write about.

I'm going to cut this short tonight, and leave you with this...

Here are some stories of people who acted selflessly, compassionately and unafraid.

Boston, you're my home.

Typically I wait a few days to post anything about real world events.
It just seems a little rash to post about something when I don't yet know the facts,
or when I haven't yet had time to process my thoughts.

This time is different.

Yesterday, if I could have torn myself away from talking/texting family & friends,
sorting through Facebook & Twitter for the "I'm ok" posts,
filtering out real news from rumors,
to post about this -- I would have.

This hits close to home, because this is my home.

It's such a rare feeling to see something tragic on the news,
and to know exactly where it's happening.

To be able to reach into my memory of the last time I was on that street [2 days ago],
and become flooded with feelings of pain and sadness and confusion and fear.

It's not common for me. 
I understand that it is common for many, unfortunately.

I've heard people say "this happens all over the world, every day."
I've heard people say "it was only a matter of time."

And maybe it happens all over the world, everyday.
And maybe it was only a matter of time.

But it's still my home, and it's still painful,
and those statements don't make it hurt any less, or provide any clarity to the tragedy.

The feeling of going through your brain of every person you know:
family, friends, acquaintances, co-workers, people in the community, neighbors,
families at my school, parents of children in my classroom, children in my classroom.
(It's absurd how many people one actually knows.)

And then racking my brain "who told me they were going?"
Who should I text first? It's terrifying.

While most schools here are closed for vacation, mine isn't.

And today, I stood in my classroom, twenty minutes away from where the bombs went off,
and listened to small children tell me about what happened.
And they asked why it happened and wondered why there are bad people in the world.

And all I could muster, without tears, was to say:
Sometimes really sad things happen 
and grown-ups don't know why.
But what we do know, is how to keep you safe - 
and I'm so glad you're safe.

And I meant it.

The great fall.

Sometimes really embarrassing things happen to me.

Sometimes really painful, embarrassing things happen to me.

So, I figure... why not blog about them?

Take last week, Thursday to be exact.

It was 6AM. Totally dark, totally frigid.

I was walking to my car, completed bundled, 

carrying 3 bags full of things that I probably didn't need to bring to work.

The ground was apparently covered with black ice.

And I was walking so carefully, so cautiously, so slowly.

I got downstairs, down the hallway, through the "courtyard", down the steps, across the parking lot...

And to the car that was parked RIGHT NEXT TO MY CAR,

and suddenly it happened.

My feet did that sort of "running thing" where they are trying to find balance and safety but the ground seems to be moving on them?

That sort of "two-stepping" that doesn't look fancy, and just makes it harder to stand?

And, then... the worst part.

I completely fell.

And not just a slip or a trip.

I mean a full blown, up in the air, slamming down on my backside so that every inch of my body hit the ground at the same time.

From my head to the heels of my feet.

Nothing caught my fall. 

Not my elbows, not my arms... no part of my body risked itself for another.

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So, I just laid there.

Beside the back tires of a Ford Ranger.

On the ground. In the middle of a dark parking lot.

When I realized what happened, I tried to get up...

Shamed and saddened.

Annoyed that no one was there to help, but relieved no one witnessed my fall.

I was no longer carrying my car keys that I originally had in my hands.

I sat up looked around and realized they, too, had landed on the black ice and slid down the hill of the parking lot.

Not being able to stand... 

I did what anyone in my situation would do.

I crawled on my hands and knees... on the black ice... 

in the middle of the dark parking lot.. and retrieved my keys.

Only to drag myself back up the hill, to my car, and drive in traffic to work.

Perfect morning, huh?

Luckily my iPhone survived the fall. 

My can of coke did not.

Yup,

And my back still hurts.

So, I think it's safe to say I'm losing the game between myself and Winter 2013.

It's Christmas Eve.

It's been 21 days since my last post and it's as though the entire world has changed in these three weeks. Normally, time passes and events occur and they blend together. But this December has been pretty monumentally laid out in ways that I don't think people will allow it to be blurred or forgotten.

I'll give you a quick update on what's been going on personally:

- I was in Houston for 4 days earlier this month. 

- I hosted a cookie swap. Post soon to come.

- I decorated for Christmas. Post soon to come.

- I took, ordered, mailed out Christmas cards. Post soon to come.

- I finished my Zumba and Country line dancing classes.

- I attended a few holiday parties.

- I began my 2 week winter break.

Sean's been working on music like crazy and some days it seems that lots of different people come in and out of our house to record some type of musical instrument. I don't mind this because it gives me time to catch up on DVR... and watch all the shows Sean doesn't like to watch.

Apollo is as cute as ever and is very excited for Christmas.

But to be honest, all these things that we've done the past three weeks feel so small.

Now is an exciting time, and like I've mentioned before I am the person who goes out on Black Friday to get the deals and to shop 'til I drop... because for...ever I thought that's what Christmas was all about.

But then, December 14th happened. I could tell you what happened, but there's no need. 

And now it's not about the gifts, the deals and sales, the shopping, the materials given as presents.

Like many people, December 14th changed my views. About the holidays. About my work. About my blog. About my every day schedule. About the life I'm living.

And of course, I always knew that life is short. To tell people I love them every day. To hold people close. To live every day to the fullest. To enjoy the little things. That tomorrow isn't promised.  

But let's be honest. It's easy to get sucked up in the moment. To run out the door in the morning without a kiss goodbye. To fall asleep at night without saying goodnight. To go through the motions of life, and the schedule of your day, without actually allowing yourself to express your emotions. 

It took me all week to decide how I would write about this. Obviously, I would have to say something. I couldn't post about it when it first happened, and all week this post has been the one that's been in the back of my mind. That monumental event that needs to be mentioned but it's just so awful.

But it's wrong to ignore it.

That's why I blog. I blog so that something is here to remind me what I feel and what I do. I blog so that family and friends who I don't get the chance to talk to every day read what I'm up to. I blog to communicate, to vent, to explore. I blog to connect. I blog as a hobby. I blog to remember. Maybe it's petty, and maybe it's self-indulgent but it's something that is real. A real diary of a real journey and something that is important to me. To keep words and pictures and memories in a place that is concrete and accessible and honest. And while at times, it may seem that DIY projects, and holiday parties, and my cat are so small compared to large, drastic, and [sometimes] horrible events that happen in the world... it's still okay for me to write about these things because if I'm chronicling my life that's what I'm up to. And I'm not ashamed of that. 

If anything I'm lucky that these small things are keeping me happy. I'm lucky to be safe, and healthy, and that my family is safe and healthy, and to be able to say that my biggest problem right now is that my ribbon doesn't match my wrapping paper under the tree.

[And to know that won't always be the case.]

It helps to get a little perspective. To live in the moment. To reassess what's important. To take a step away only to return with clarity. 

Because honestly, it's not about the presents, the decorating, the holiday parties, or the ribbon under the tree. Sure that's what I talk about.. because those are the things I can take pictures of. Those are the things that I can quickly explain. Jot it down so that in 12 months when I do a yearly re-wrap I remember what the house looked like.

But really? It's about the person laying next to me. It's about my parents and his. It's about our families. It's about our friends. It's about the laughter, the jokes, the animals running around like crazy. It's about seeing relatives that you don't get to see every day. And sometimes it's easy to forget that's what I should write about. Those feelings are what should be remembered, and chronicled.  

And while I don't want or need horrific events like December 14th to happen in order to remind myself of what's real or what's important it definitely puts the beauty and fragility of life into perspective. 

Definitely.

So Happy Christmas Eve. May peace and perspective find you when you need it most. 

My shows are getting canceled.

Why, oh why? Major networks are giving some shows the ax and I'm not happy about it. Of the ones we watch it seems like a lot of them are getting canceled:

666 Park Avenue (few more episodes to air)

Last Resort (few more episodes to air)

Partners (already taken off air)

Animal Practice (already taken off air)

Ben and Kate (will finish this season and that's it)

A few shows "will more likely be canceled than renewed":

Up All Night

Guys with Kids

And these shows are "a toss-up between renewal or cancellation":

Happy Endings

Neighbors

Hart of Dixie

Whitney

If all these disappear from cable here's what I'm left with:

Mondays:

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Tuesdays:

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Wednesdays:

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Thursdays:

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Just 11 shows! I can't believe it...

You can check out which shows of yours are getting canceled here.

A brighter day will come.

I have to admit the past couple days I've just been overwhelming consumed with the news about the Colorado movie theater shooting. For me, it's one of those events that my mind simply cannot filter out like it does for the majority of violent attacks that happen in the world, every day.

I feel so badly for the people in the theater that night, the families and friends of the people in the theater that night, the emergency responders who had no idea what they were running into that night, the doctors, nurses, paramedics and social workers who had to make those calls that no one ever expects to receive that night, and the community who since that night has had to deal with loss, and cameras, and reporters and change.

I think it's so hard to grasp because going to a midnight showing of a Batman movie would be something Sean and I would do. And we wouldn't think twice about it. Because we shouldn't have to.

I think it's so hard to grasp because the people that were injured or who were killed were [for the most part] right around our age. 

I think it's so hard to grasp because there's nothing in my mind that can rationalize hurting people like that. It's senseless. It's cowardly. It's not fair.

It's not fair to make people second guess their completely rational plans of going to the movies. 

Or for that matter the mall... or school... or work.

Or all the other normal places these tragedies occur. 

We shouldn't have to be afraid. 

But it's so hard not to be.

Unfortunately, we only have two choices. 

Be afraid and stop living our lives.

Or live our lives... to the fullest with love, respect and compassion. 

Love for those who love us back.

Respect for those who deserve it.

And compassion for those for need it.

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